20 TYPES OF FACEBOOK PEOPLE.

Below is a comparative list of the different kinds of people and/or characters existing on Facebook after much observation, viz;

1. TEACHER NWA NJOKU: these kinds are the kinds that pretend to have graduated from Oxford, Harvard, Yale, Cambridge, Stanford, etc. They even pretend they're related to Professor Wole Soyinka, always quick to correct like it was part of their destinies to fulfill but they don't know jack about anything. I'm not saying correction is bad. Everybody makes mistakes and stands to be corrected, true. But what is most annoying about it is when they try to correct you over what you know full well, making themselves look stupid in the end.

2. BLUNDERERS: it's okay to make mistakes, but it becomes foolish when such mistakes are repeated erroneously over and over and over again without learning from the mistake. As I wrote in category 1, no one is perfect. We make mistakes in writing every once in a while, but how on earth can you continue to justify your mistakes knowing full well where they came from? Tsk tsk tsk.

3. LAZY: when these kinds of people write/type, it's a sight to behold. They make the reader(s) have eye sores and cramps from too much strain. The one that still grates me is k, kk, kkk, kkkk, lawd, gawd, etc.

4. ATTENTION SEEKERS/DESPERADOES: these ones derive so much pleasure in craving for EXCESS attention. Everyone loves getting attention once in a while, but these ones make it their duty to make you notice them by posting nudes, half nudes, meaningless updates, etc. They think the world revolves round them. Well, not everyone would care. Some people don't give a rat's poop about them. Whadaya do? Sigh and move on. Next!

5. DUBIOUS: need I say more? 'Course we don't need a soothsayer to know who these are. They post questionable adverts about how to make money, buying online, paying money into an account, etc. The worst of them are the hackers. They are very deadly. Y'all need to keep your eyes and nose and ears open to fish them out before they fish you. 'Nough said.

6. FAIRYTALES: these kinds turn their worlds into fairytales like the cartoons, deceiving unthinking fellas with their outrageous lies about how perfect their lives are, trying to make fellas green with envy. Do you know that all those friends that lie about studying in Rochester and living in Yaba are also dreamers like the fairytale category? What about those talking about winter, spring, summer and autumn while living in by edges of the Lagos Third Mainland Bridge where the locals take a dip (shit) by the lagoon? Mehn! How can someone envy such fake people?! Ike gwuru!

7. PERILOUS: these ones get obsessed and begin to secretly police you around, appearing in every post. They can view your profile over a hundred times a day and in three days, they would have successfully crammed everything about you. Did I forget they are good at ranting? Now you know.

8. LOST: these kinds would always come to your posts and comment things that are totally off point and have no nexus with the central theme. Phew!

9. FIESTY: these kinds only know how to insult. Make a post and they rush in, screaming like a banshee, spewing out insults which they don't even know the meaning. Some of them are prone to give in to baseless, senseless arguments that yield no valuable profit at the end. No time to waste time, you just send them to Blockville village straight up. Ain't got time for talks.

10. THIRSTY NIGGAS: immediately you accept these ones they move in faster than the speed of light. They come to your wall and post blunders about accepting the friend request and proceed to message you with 'baby', 'i', 'wanna know more about you', 'you are so sweet'.... Urrghh! Dude, who gave you such right? Sitcho ass down and take a chill pill. If you don't have anything important to tell, just keep your hands to yourself before I keep em disfigured.

11. THE FAKE BACHELORS: Oops, think we need to sniff deeper to smell these ones out. These ones would add up all the females on your friend's list and friend's friends and friends of friends lists and ask them for marriage all at the same time. It's more like them spinning a lucky wheel at a casino or playing black jack. Ladies, open up your eyes and use your head! Next!!

12. THE WRITERS, POETS: these ones have a knack for writing. Oh yes, some of them are good at keeping your timeline busy instead of dry and empty. While some are quite educative and informative, others just make you yawn out loudly. We're talking about over 20 posts a day. They just love to put that art up for the world to see. Next please!!

13. PROPHETIC PASTORS: these ones make religious posts. I'm not against it because it's their wall after all. But where my nerves get grated is when the religious messages come with threats like, 'if you don't pass this on to 7 people including me in 7 days, you will die... Something bad will happen...' Dude, shut up mehn. Even Jesus didn't threaten the people he preached to. Who do you think you are? Get lost!

14. MONITORS: these kinds are so annoying. They make you grit your teeth in irritation. Why? Because they are always watching you in the secret places. They are mad at your success and happy at your downfall. That is when they would spring up like a hot geyser and strike. Some would even start questioning why you are online. For pete's sake you aren't the one subscribing the data, so just sit your silly ass down, wallow in your self pity and mind your business. We need the services of TB Joshua for these ones. *smh*

15. DISASTERS: remember the late Cynthia Osukogu saga story about a couple of years back? Yep, you bet! Those people fit in this category. They lure you online to meet up physically and 99% of the time, it's disastrous. You'd be lucky to come out alive after meeting them. Unfortunately, poor Cynthia wasn't. This is a big eye opener.

16. CONFIDANTS: oh I love, love these kinds. They're the real deal! They are your close friends from school, a function, etc. The more interesting ones are those you meet up with physically after meeting online and the friendship just clicks like the definite click-clack sounds of a lady's high-heeled stilettos. If you're lucky, the friendship might graduate to a serious thing and if you aren't, it might just fade into a once in a blue moon thing. There are a lot of genuine people in this category as there are ingeniune people in category 15, but it is worth a while.

17. COMEDIANS: another interesting category. These ones spice up your time line with funny posts, skits and comments. They make you laugh out loud people will be wondering why you are laughing at your phone but they won't have the slightest idea.

18. SADISTS/EXTREMISTS: these kinds are self explanatory, always posting extreme content that leave little to the imagination. I don't even know which is worse between sadists and extremists.

19. COPY CATS: these lack ideas, innovations, you name it. They just follow the band wagon aimlessly with no input. They copy your posts and post on their time lines without crediting the original posters. They go as far as committing plagiarism. It's quite a pity.

20. DIGGERS: it takes ounces of muscles to know these because some of them are silent. Just as the name describes, they dig into your past posts and pictures like hired private detectives, investigating for no purpose or ulterior motives. Either way, one has to be wary of them.

I don't think this list is exhaustive because I get to see more characters spring up like the hibiscus springs up when exposed to the morning sun. Do you have any category of yours that isn't on this list? Be my guest.

Niqui Anekwe. Copyright. 2015.